Cover Story in Teens’ Crossroads Magazine

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My 4th article for Darul Arqam’s Teens’ Crossroads magazine, and InsyaAllah not the last. The brief given was to write an article which would uplift and motivate the youths when faced with setbacks in their school days. I had chosen the title “The Art of Failing Forward“.

You can download the article via a link under eLearning.

Building Self-Confidence in Youth

By Nurhafihz Bin Noor (Featured in TC Magazine, 2007)

The age of youth is the start of self-discovery. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the greatest need is the need for self actualization, often described as the last phase in one’s life. This is the time when the person begins to question his place in the universe. However, it is when we are in our youth that questions such as “Who am I?” and “Who do I want to be” start to emerge. In the pursuit of answers and self-confirmation, the youth will turn to sources to guide him, such as his family, his friends and the world he is exposed to. These influences will start to shape his perception of the world he lives in. More importantly, he will begin to form perceptions of himself.

This is the fundamental reason why building self-confidence in youth is important. The world that the average youth is exposed to is portrayed in a utopian light. The people on the magazines, television shows and movies are often tailored, often model like. By exposure to such media materials, the youth, who has been given some liberation by his parents to begin to explore the world around him, might take what’s in the media for the standard.

We take an example of the thoughts a healthy teenage girl might have upon looking at a teen magazine. She might tell herself something like:

“The people in this magazine look good. Therefore they must be happy and successful. These are what normal people should look like. Therefore, I should be thinner.”

This of course, is not good. But the above comment does show some spark of self-confidence, the youth’s drive to improve herself upon comparison with a role model, albeit a wrong one. However, what happens when at that point in time, when the youth is feeling down for some other reason, she sees the magazine and the model in it, and says something like:

“The people in this magazine look good. Therefore they must be happy and successful. These are what normal people should look like. I am not as thin as them. I am not normal.”

Of course, if you are a youth, you will hardly find yourself uttering these words. But this is what you may be thinking sub-consciously, in your mind. “I am not normal” is a powerful damaging thought. Even adults whom, at one point in time, suddenly feel that things are not going their way feel discouraged not at the situation, but themselves. Even adults may view themselves with deficiencies that to them, seem to be incurable. Even adults may resort to plastic surgery when they feel that their nose is too big. So if the adult, who has already gone through years of life and its experiences, whom has had many teachers to guide him, can suffer from lack of self-confidence, what more the young one.

What we have discussed so far sets the case for the importance of self-confidence in youth. Some youths naturally have more self-confidence than others. These youths are often those who display signs such as willingness to ask questions in class, participation as class or activity leaders, and the ability to question an expert opinion. However self-confidence is a quality that is not absolute. Some who begin with more may end less, and vice-versa. So how do we build self-confidence in youth, and sustain it at the same time?

Building self-confidence in youth starts by targeting what the youth associates with him. The youth must find meaning in the things that he chooses to do, and realise that his actions, regardless of its nature, will constantly shape his future. The youth who has failed, both in studies or personal relations, must be reminded and advised that what he has done in the past does not equal the future. Instead, it is what he does now, at that point in time, which determines it. He should be reminded of the countless real life examples that are around him, of many failures worse that him who have turned their lives around, because they have chosen to.

Of course, such stories remain fairytales, without some proof. If you are a youth, I have one such proof that I would like to share, which has empowered me. I have a friend who is studying the same course, same level of study as me. Yet one fine day, I soon realised that he was much older than I was, 6 years older to be exact. This is his story:

“After I failed my PSLE, I worked odd jobs. I began to mix with the wrong company and lived by each day as it comes. Life was simple, but certainly not much fun. I had no stability. Yes, I felt powerful when I was with company, wrong company. But whenever I was alone, I felt alone. Then, when I entered national service, I soon mixed with people mostly from the junior colleges. What was surprising to me was how good their academic grades were supposed to be, yet how they found difficulty in doing the simplest of things in national service. So I began to wonder if it was really that hard to be like them. That’s when it all started. I stopped using my energy by looking at 10 years of my past, and visualised and focused it instead on the next 10 years of my future.”

He soon used the savings he had accumulated from his odd jobs and enrolled himself, yes, enrolled himself, for a private ‘N’ level seating. It took much courage, given his age. However my friend had realised that he must change. It was not a case of “can’t change”, but a case of “must change”, because he had realised the consequences of not changing, and also the possibilities of changing for the better. Soon, he took his private ‘O’ levels. He got admitted into one of the top polytechnics in Singapore, where he was the top student in his faculty. Now, he is in one of the top universities in Singapore, using the CPF he had accumulated to pay off his school fees. And yes, he has never gone to secondary school.

The lesson youths should realise is that success stories are not magical. Neither are successful people. They are normal people, just like you and me, who found meaning in pursuing success, whatever the incentive might be. Some pursue excellence for money and prizes. Some pursue for their religious beliefs. Some might even pursue for the fear of the consequences of failing.

Here are ten ways to build self-confidence in youth:

1. Realise that everyone is different, and that this difference results in different abilities.
2. Knowing that everyone has different abilities is not enough. You must question then what your ability is.
3. Realise that abilities may not have to be academic. Abilities are also not always inherited and inborn with. You can develop your own skill. Open a bigger catalogue to the universe by believing in yourself.
4. Set specific goals. Saying that you want to pass is not good enough. Visualizing that you will get 80 marks out of 100, and what you will do thereafter, is.
5. Celebrate wins. Often at times, we might discourage ourselves when ironically our intention is to encourage. Do not be too hard on yourself when things do not go your way and, at the same time, react mundanely when you do succeed. No matter how small the win, give yourself a pat on the back.
6. Feeling moments of inadequacy is very common. When these do occur, sit back and reflect on what you have, and change your mode of comparison. Put away that magazine, go online and look at friends your age who are not doing so good in torn, ruined countries. You might also want to check out how successful these role models in the media really are. It is interesting to note the countless celebrities who are in all sorts of trouble. So clearly, beauty and money does not equal full happiness.
7. Hang around with people who lift you up. No, we are not saying to abandon your friends, but be picky and realise that who you hang around with affects you ultimately. As the saying goes “Birds of the same feather, flock together.” So too, do us humans.
8. People who have succeeded a lot have all failed terribly beforehand. In addition, they decided to add meaning to the failure, and not just brush it aside like some of us do when we get out test papers and such.
9. Your past does not equal your future. It never has, and never will be. It is what you decide to do now, that shapes everything. Many successful people have also failed after success, because they have sat on their laurels and think that what they have achieved is eternal. Nothing on this earth is, not even your failures, unless you think that way.
10. Sometimes people can pull you down. They might be your good friends, relatives or even your family members. Do not be disheartened if they their remarks are harsh. If a child suddenly dashes across the road, the mother will run after the child, bring him to the side, and immediately scold him. Does scolding the child mean that the mother hates him? We all know the answer: it’s an act of love. However it is hard to see this happening to us when we ourselves are in the situation. So when you do feel down, sit back, cool down, and reflect as a third person on what actually has happened, and act from there.

There are many confidence building camps and programs out there to build self-confidence. Parents must look for warning signs of their children lacking in self-confidence. A good home does not necessarily equate to good self-confidence, although such an environment does help support. Youths as well must do their part if they find that their world is constantly filled with doubt and despair. If you are a youth who finds that life is unfair, that you constantly tend to raise issues about others all the time, if you walk around with your head and heart held low, seek help. Self-confidence programs can range from basic counselling to coaching using neuro-sciences. The bottom line is to take action, and ask for help.

If the roots to a tree are not strong enough, no matter how good the soil is, no matter how much is watered, no matter how good the environment and the trees around it are, the tree will fall. Such is the person who lacks in self-confidence. It is really the start to any success. So start believing in yourself and those around you too. Reprogram the way you look at yourself, and you will find that your friends, family, your life, will look at you differently as well.